Please only continue if you’re 21+. And please drink responsibly; this is satire, not a recipe book.
A couple of nights ago, my editor and I were at a sports bar having a few beers (Editor’s note: For once, I can confirm) and doing my yearly evaluation (yes, I’m now on a personal improvement plan). We got onto the best Celsius flavor, and the gentleman next to us offered that peach was superior. Then he added that it tastes great with Smirnoff.
A light bulb went off. We have an absurd number of energy drinks, yet the only one you can actually order late night is a Red Bull and vodka.
I don’t know what the big wigs at Red Bull have done to keep the majority silent, but they’ve controlled this market for too long! I’m a red-blooded capitalist who believes competition breeds the best, and like my dad always told me, we should all be free to pick our favorites, even when it comes to our children (childhood trauma twitch).
So how do we fight back against these monocle-wearing fat cats at Red Bull and… Vodka??? First, comrades, we need a preliminary list of challengers. And yes, the guy whose brain is a petri dish of issues has volunteered to write it.
1. Celsius and pinot grigio: for the ‘gram, honey
There’s absolutely zero chance this tastes good. But white wine plus the trendiest energy drink alive? I can picture it at bottomless brunches for late-twentysomethings in various combinations of Patagonia and yoga pants. Celsius is already sweeping the nation, so let it merge with the other Sunday-morning trend sweeping the nation. You’ll see a canned version sponsoring a home renovation show within six months.
Editor’s note: Tyler is kinda cooking with this one. Did he just reinvent Four Loko… but classy?
2. Alani Nu and Bacardi: a bachelorette party’s dream
Tell me that didn’t immediately make you picture a group on a Nashville pedal bar belting Taylor Swift for their stunning bestie and bride-to-be. These celebrations get more ambitious every year, and it’s high time they had a signature drink. The perfect midday drink to make sure everyone makes it to the club that night!
3. Tequila and Monster: results may vary
Low-energy idea here. It’s basically the Pepsi to Red Bull vodka’s Coke. There are a lot of tequilas and a lot of Monsters, so results will vary; I’d bet peach is the most compatible. Since we’re investigative journalists, stay tuned for the Caffeine Shark vlog where the whole team samples ten combinations in one sitting (sponsored by LIV Golf).
4. Bang and Everclear: absolutely not
“We’re in the endgame now.” “Mr. Stark, I don’t feel so good.” “It’s clobberin’ time.” Many Marvel quotes describe this idea. Imagine Red Bull vodka’s competitor came with a “not approved by the FDA” label. I’ve dabbled in PED jokes before, but I’m pretty sure I just invented rabies. No one reading this has my blessing to try it, and absolutely NO ONE should try it for TikTok research.
Editor’s note: In case it wasn’t clear, I’d like to declare parody law for this one. Mixing high-caffeine drinks with high-proof alcohol is genuinely dangerous: caffeine masks how drunk you are. Don’t.
In conclusion
There’s a whole chemistry lab of energy drinks and liquors out there, and better combinations than Red Bull and vodka are waiting to be discovered. It’s time we as a society expand our tastes and commit to finding the next big thing.
Peach Celsius guy, this one’s for you:
