Alright everyone, another energy drink brand is throwing its name in the hat. At my local 7-Eleven today, I spotted one I’d never seen: G.O.A.T. Fuel Sports Energy. The branding was rough even by my standards, but I’m a connoisseur of the caffeine world, and I couldn’t resist.
“The taste was flatter than the earth and their flavors are just trying too hard to fit in with the Gen Z mindset.”
I had my exciting new (to me) beverage on the way to the gym, and there’s nothing to write home about. If you told me some guy swapped the label on an Alani Nu, I wouldn’t be surprised. The taste was flatter than the earth, and the flavors are trying way too hard to fit in with Gen Z. I was also unreasonably annoyed that my Wild Berry came in a green can. It’s like hearing someone pronounce GIF like JIF.
Official final score: 5.4
The research rabbit hole
Now let me walk you through the mental whiplash of researching this brand.
It turns out the founder and face of the drink is an athlete. Can you guess which football player might be called the GOAT? That’s right: Jerry Rice. Look, I’m not going to say anything bad about arguably the best wide receiver of all time, but this is like LeBron James launching a smoothie called “Black Mamba Juice.” I feel like TB12 could find a way to make money off this.
Side bar: Are energy drinks the new rite of passage for celebrities? It feels like every famous person has an energy drink now, and it just doesn’t feel honest to me.
Here’s where they really lost me. There’s a mushroom symbol front and center on the can. I did some digging, and G.O.A.T. Fuel prides itself on being at the forefront of putting cordyceps in energy drinks. When did we collectively decide this was a good thing? It’s not the first energy drink to do it, and maybe I’m just uneducated. But when the homepage brags that they “use the same mushrooms that the goats who travel in the Himalayas eat,” I can’t help but wonder who that’s supposed to entice.
G.O.A.T. Fuel brags about how they “use the same mushrooms that the goats who travel in the Himalayas eat.”
While we’re here: when did we become so mushroom-obsessed as a culture? Not long ago, shrooms were on the same level as acid. Now mushrooms are the suburban dad in a cardigan smoking a pipe. Whatever, I won’t complain. I just missed the memo.
I guess mushrooms are the future, and we’re all just pawns in the celebrity chess match of who can sell the most copy-and-paste energy drinks. (See also: Ric Flair’s mushroom energy drink.)
Editor’s note: I don’t expect this to make you want to try G.O.A.T. Fuel, but if you’re trying to get weird, you can support Caffeine Shark by buying a pack on Amazon.
If you want a can that actually tastes good, here’s the Alani Nu that Tyler says G.O.A.T. Fuel is imitating:
