As the new guy on the Caffeine Shark team, I’ve been told my role is to be the voice of people in blue-collar fields. As a timid 27-year-old tasked with telling hardened workers in their forties what to do every day, I feel like a perfect fit. So here’s my official guide to energy drinks for those of you who do honest work for a living.
TL;DR: I’m the new guy, I’m happy to represent a different type of caffeine drinker, and my die-hard loyalty will always be to Monster.
Celsius: enjoy it in secret
I’m not going to talk smack about Celsius as a product. It gets me through the day and helps me before a workout. I didn’t even blink when the class action over its labels hit. But it’s simply too new-age and Gen Z to prosper in industries where most people communicate by nodding and grunting. No matter how many times you explain it has a LOT more caffeine than coffee, the old guys will see pretty colors and roast you worse than the girl in fifth grade who hit her growth spurt early (yes, Rebecca, I still remember). My advice: chug it in the porta-potty, crush the can, and if anyone finds it, blame the new guy.
Red Bull: throw it away and commit
Have we evolved past Red Bull yet? You can’t tell me Red Bull still flourishes anywhere outside the X Games. If you see someone drinking one on the job, odds are the boss grabbed the crew a pack at 7-Eleven to make them feel special (like a pizza party instead of a raise). Sometimes you’ll see a wide-eyed new guy who still has joy in his life drinking one, but four back-to-back overtime shifts later, he’ll abandon these training wheels for something that can actually animate his shell of a body. Red Bull drinkers: it’s time to grow up.
Bang: we’ll worry about your heart rate after turnover
We’ve all been there. The deadline is coming, and no matter how hard you slap yourself awake, someone is still screaming at you to pick up the pace. Enter 2012, when this magical elixir arrived. I’ve heard stories of guys who drank three in a day and hit an output level not seen since Henry Ford invented the assembly line. But once you’re casually chatting at lunch about whose heartbeat is most visible through their safety vest, you might want to reevaluate. Keep Bang in your back pocket for a pinch, but I’d bet OSHA regulates it someday.
Coffee: keep scrolling if you’re under 40
Coffee may have powered nearly the entire American workforce for most of history, but times have changed. In a world of caffeine drinks built for a generation raised on Grand Theft Auto, coffee can’t compete. That won’t stop the old guard, though. One of my favorite guys to deal with every day is the 50-year-old with a beard who starts his day with a pot of coffee and a pack of smokes. His voice sounds like Batman meets Ron Swanson, his diet is a rotation of fast food chains, and he’s still in better shape than anyone reading this. In short, you’re probably not the caliber of person to drink coffee like they used to.
Monster: ole reliable
The undisputed champion. You wake up with it, your back seat is littered with its empty cans, and you have a personal favorite flavor (mine’s peach). With the perfect amount of caffeine, 160 mg in a 16 oz can, somewhere between coffee and a Bang, and a well-established brand, you can’t go wrong. Mainstream society may think Monster is for gamers and skateboarders, but the company has guys in warehouse jackets and hard hats to thank for 20 years of growth.
