First and foremost, let me apologize to all my avid fans for my little hiatus. By avid fans, I mean the three members of my family who still read these and the guys on the caffeine subreddit. (Trust me, if you think r/caffeine has honest discussions about energy drinks, you are INCREDIBLY wrong. Please DON’T look into it yourself.)
Editor’s note: It’s true. Have you tried to have a nuanced conversation on Reddit recently? Not happening.
I’ve been doing some soul searching ever since I found out these are public blogs and not confidential correspondence between me and Jared, à la Tony Soprano and Dr. Melfi, so I’m understandably crushed. But now that my childhood friend Jimmy Carter has passed, I felt it was only right to return to the passion he told me on his deathbed to pursue.
OKAY. Before we start this journey: only continue if you’re over 21 and live somewhere recreational plants are a thing. I trust the Editor in Chief of our humble media conglomerate to add whatever legal jargon we need to not get sued.
Editor’s note: Uhhh, parody law? It’s worked to get us this far.
The trend
Over the past few months, my social feeds have been flooded with ads for new-age drinks pitched as a “euphoric alternative to alcohol.” I always love watching an industry built on one harmful substance respond to criticism with another. It reminds me of the tobacco industry answering the D.A.R.E. campaigns of our youth with vapes that smell like fruit and candy.
If you haven’t seen these drinks, here are a few, with the descriptions front and center on their websites:
- BRĒZ: “Feel the BRĒZ — Meticulously Designed to Harmonize & Elevate Every Moment without the Next-Day Regret”
- Melting Forest: “Unlock nature’s secrets for a balanced, healthier you. Melting Forest combines the power of functional mushrooms with adaptogenic herbs to help you thrive”
- Nowadays: “These alcohol-free cocktails add that much-needed kick to lighten up the mood and make the party more lively.”
- Drippy: “Perfect for unwinding or spicing up your hangouts, Drippy delivers a smooth, enjoyable time.”
- Magic Cactus: “Sparkling prickly pear cactus water, replenishing electrolytes and functional l-theanine for a clear-headed drinking experience”
- Vivanna: No slogan or intro page at all. It takes you straight to checkout and says “Cannabis and Mushroom infused beverage.”
This is an odd time to be alive. Every one of these says it’s a better alternative to alcohol. Look, if you’re swapping getting loaded at the bar for melting into your couch, I can’t say it’s 100% a “healthier option.”
But if changing laws give the world a wave of beverages that offer unique “experiences” (and from a utilitarian perspective, caffeine is no different), then I owe it to the people to be 100% here for it.
The other unique thing about these drinks is the INSANE loopholes they use to be just legal enough to sell almost everywhere. It’s like trying to place a sports bet on my phone, crossing a state line, and suddenly gambling is the devil. In ten years, when all of this is legal, we’ll lose the excitement of wondering whether someone at the DEA is monitoring our online orders.
Why “Part 1”?
Because we’re at the frontier of a brand-new world of beverages, and this team should be in the back seat documenting these pioneer companies as they head into the unknown. I’ll be covering the stories, the prices, what’s actually in them, and the taste. (Taste will be handled by my new understudy Hank, who works at the 7-Eleven down the street.)
2025 is the year of the PLANT DRINK!
I’m leaving this last section blank so my editor and entrepreneur friend Jared can officially bless this undertaking. (If you’re reading this, it’s a good sign Jared is letting me cook.)
Editor’s note: I started this website to review beverages with my friends, so of course we’re gonna do this thing. If you have suggestions for zany new drinks we should cover in the series, send them our way. Otherwise Tyler is gonna go rogue, and I can’t be held responsible for what happens.
Already on the mushroom train? Tyler has tried two so far: Ric Flair’s Wooooo! energy and G.O.A.T. Fuel.
