Writer’s note: The author and editor dropped the ball on publishing this, so imagine it’s three weeks ago while you read.
All right, buckle in. Anyone paying attention knows it’s been a whirlwind week. Apple announced its new reality goggles (someone explain the economics of $3,500 goggles to me). New York is cosplaying Stephen King’s The Mist under wildfire smoke. Mike Pence announced he’s running for president against his old boss. But all of these stories are mere fodder compared to what we should be discussing.
Aliens have been confirmed.
The story goes that whistleblower David Grusch has come forward alleging that the US government has UFOs “of non-human origin” in its possession, and even the bodies of the pilots!
A little background: Grusch is a former intelligence official and Afghanistan veteran who worked at agencies with names too complicated for me to bother repeating. For more, check out this article from The Independent.
Notably, Grusch says many other officials corroborated his story, and his lawyer is the first-ever Inspector General of the intelligence community (if I’m reading that right, the government guy in charge of ratting on other government guys). This isn’t just some guy with a shaky 180p phone video trying to convince his nephew the government is out to get him.
There are a lot of questions, some small, some life-altering. But the one no one is asking is…
What energy drink do aliens prefer?
If you’re tuning out, remember: these aliens (I’ll call them “Green Squad” from here on) traveled far, like really far, to get here. You could call them explorers, but I think modern-day truckers making a cross-country haul in three days is a better comparison. Space is dangerous. Asteroids, black holes, endless darkness. They needed to be amped. And if Cocaine Bear taught us anything, it’s that every creature is more effective with a heightened heart rate.
Monster. The obvious pick. The trippy can designs, the claw logo, the green goo: a perfect fit. This is what Green Squad drinks if they’re the comically weird guys from Mars Attacks!
PRIME. I like the theory that aliens are already disguised as humans living among us, which would be the most seamless invasion possible. In that case, PRIME is the drink of choice, and the Paul brothers are aliens trying to make the younger generation easier to control.
Bang. What if the aliens aren’t disguising themselves at all and are just winging it out in the open? Then Bang is a strong option, because, like, look at their CEO:
If this guy isn’t an alien, I don’t know who is.
Black coffee. If the aliens are all about probing, they take their coffee black. If I have to explain that one, you are not my target audience.
C4. The true pre-workout energy drink. It’s fun to imagine Green Squad as a race of soldiers constantly chugging C4 to stay ready for war.
Celsius. The sophisticated, new-age drink with a calm, awake feeling is what Green Squad drinks if they’re the wise aliens from Arrival. Highly recommend the movie if you haven’t seen it.
Mtn Dew energy. This one I can’t entertain. If superior beings crossed the void of space to make contact and they prefer Mtn Dew energy, I’ll throw my hands up and accept we’re living in a Rick and Morty episode.
All viable options. For the record, I’d like to be first in line to interview Green Squad over whatever they’re drinking. I’ve got a solid list of questions for you fellas.
