Your honor, I stand before you today as a representative of the people, this company so-called “Up-Time” has been allowed to sell their product to an unsuspecting public for far too long, and I am here to justify this unjustifiable grievance.
For some reason this Celsius knock off beverage is still allowed to be sold to an unsuspecting public in the northern most parts of our union. While there are untold amounts of victims, I had the unfortunate privilege to bear witness to one of these victims first hand.
No citizen of our sovereign unity should have to go through a road trip expecting themselves to be poisoned just for wanting a little bit of caffeine to wake up. Unfortunately, that was the case this Macabre Saturday in a New England, October. My companion on a journey decided to indulge in a so-called green apple-flavored Uptime. Now I know what you’re thinking, wait isn’t that the energy drink that was around for a few years back at the start of the decade? And you’d be correct for assuming so. But my companion decided to roll a dice with a drink as the need for caffeine was high.
Their immediate reaction when ingesting this liquid was a reflexive gag, followed by five minutes of coughing. While this might not be enough to implicate this energy drink brand, the following 30 minutes of nausea and sweating and a general desire to not be here anymore, must surely point to malicious intent.
I would now like to take a moment to point you to a direct quote from the victim
“ That f* a sweet gasoline chemical-flavored liquid that burned a whole through my insides for a minute.”
Surely you must understand your honor that my client has been through an undeniable amount of physical and mental stress and pain.
I would like to move that the energy drink, pretending to be Celsius known as Uptime be removed from all shelves of our great country, and may God have mercy on their souls.
Editor’s note: Nah, case dismissed. I like Uptime.
