The verdict: Tyler 3.9/10, Jared 4.7/10. Too sweet, no carbonation, and an artificial aftertaste.
I won’t lie: we’ve been stewing on how to approach Starbucks’ newest idea for a while. For those living under a rock, Starbucks recently released a shameful attempt at answering the energy drink market, an in-store iced energy drink touting around 200 mg of caffeine.
Editor’s note: My real OGs remember Starbucks BAYA. Gone, but not forgotten. Here’s my full review from 2022.
Any caffeine drinker knows 200 mg is the standard for the brands leading the charge; C4, Celsius, and Alani Nu all land there. I’ve concluded it’s the amount corporate America has deemed acceptable before you run into serious health concerns among your constituents (cue a sarcastic head nod to Bang).
So for this blog, I’m going to eviscerate this decision by a company that should know better. Then again, this is a company that sent its incoming CEO to do barista training for six months. (Look it up. That’s actually what happened.) That PR stunt was surely the brainchild of a sophomore communications major and an AI repeatedly watching Hallmark movies.
What are these flavors??
My theory: the guy who came up with these had about 20 cards with fruit names duct-taped to a wall and threw a Velcro-wrapped gerbil at it until something stuck. Come on, Starbucks. You’re a Fortune 500 company with access to some of the best market research on the planet, and the three flavors you came up with were…
Melon Burst
Not only is it melon flavored, it’s a burst of melon. I tried it the other day, and the only thing that burst was the vein on my forehead as I drank this watered-down Capri Sun. Here’s the boss man, Jared:
“I already didn’t have high hopes because of the face Tyler made when I asked how the Citrus flavor was, and yet this still managed to disappoint. I may have been among the few people to enjoy the now-discontinued Starbucks BAYA, so I initially had high hopes. It’s cold, which makes it refreshing on a toasty summer day here in DC, but that’s where the positives end. It’s a bit too sweet for me, and the melon is hard to pick out from the general sweetness. There’s also a weird, artificial-seeming aftertaste I can’t pinpoint. It only comes in venti and has 180 mg of caffeine.”
Tropical Citrus
Some guy in his forties came up with this one right after a trip to Montego Bay, while still calling everything “irie.” I tried it when it first came out and still don’t know who it’s for. Way too sugary, zero carbonation, and an aftertaste that stuck with me like souvenirs from my last trip to the tropics (ba-dum-tss).
Frozen Tropical Citrus with Strawberry Purée
(app exclusive)
Neither Jared nor I got to try this gem because it was only around for a limited time. From the picture, it looks like the classy lovechild of an Alani Nu and a 7-Eleven Slurpee. A smoothie energy drink intrigues me, but making the most unique, marketable flavor limited-time and app-only makes me very angry.
Stay in your lane
I know it sounds like I’m grilling Starbucks for no reason, but this is like when IHOP pulled the infamous “IHOb” stunt and Burger King and McDonald’s started selling pancakes. Starbucks’ vibe should stop at around 100 mg of caffeine.
This drink is also objectively not good. I don’t care how many beanie-wearing, mustachioed hipsters or Ugg-wearing college students I offend with that.
Official scores: 3.9 from Tyler, 4.7 from Jared.
Want a canned energy drink from the Starbucks family that’s actually good? The Tripleshot is the one the Sharks rate:
