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Image courtesy of Starbucks
I won't lie; we here at Caffeine Shark have been stewing on how to approach Starbucks' newest idea for a little bit. For those of you absolutely under a rock, Starbucks has recently released a shameful attempt at responding to the energy drink market. They have released an energy drink that touts a 200mg caffeine factor.
Editor's note: My real OGs remember Starbucks Baya. Gone, but not forgotten. Click here for my full review from 2022.
Any caffeine drinker will know this is the staple amount of energy drinks leading the charge. C4, Celsius, and Alani Nu all have the same caffeine content. I've concluded the amount of caffeine that corporate America has deemed acceptable before you run into serious health concerns among your constituents (cue sarcastic head nod to Bang).
So, what I will do for this blog is essentially eviscerate this decision by a company that should know better. It shouldn't be any surprise for a company that sent its new CEO to do Barista training for 6 months (Look it up. That's actually what fucking happened). That kind of PR stunt, I imagine, was the brainchild of a sophomore communications major and an AI machine repeatedly watching Hallmark movies.
Image courtesy of Starbucks
What the hell are these flavors??
I have a theory that the guy who came up with these flavors had about 20 cards with different fruit names duct-taped to the wall, then proceeded to throw a Velcro-wrapped gerbil against the wall until he came up with flavors he thought would stick. Like, come on, Starbucks, you're a Fortune 500 company with access to some of the best marketing research on the planet, and the three flavors you came up with were...
Starbucks Melon Burst Iced Energy
Not only is it flavored like melons, but it's a burst of melon flavor. I tried this flavor the other day, and the only thing that burst was the blood vein on my forehead as I was drinking this watered-down Capri Sun. Review from the boss man Jared himself:
"I already didn't have high hopes because of the face that Tyler made when I asked him how the Citrus flavor was, and yet this still managed to disappoint. I may have been among the few people to enjoy the now-discontinued Starbucks Baya energy drinks, so I initially had high hopes. It's cold, which makes it refreshing on a toasty summer day here in DC (Location drop), but that's really where the positives end for Melon Iced Energy. It's a bit too sweet for me, and the melon flavor isn't easy to pick out from the general sweetness. There is also a weird aftertaste that I can't pinpoint but seems artificial. This only comes in venti and contains 180mg of caffeine"
Starbucks Tropical Citrus Iced Energy
Some white guy in his forties who returned from a trip to Montego Bay came up with this flavor while still calling everything Irie. I tried this flavor when it first came out and don't know who it was for. It was way too sugary with zero carbonation, and the aftertaste stuck with me like my compromised urine after my last visit to the tropics (ba-dum-dum).
Starbucks Frozen Tropical Citrus Iced Energy with Strawberry Puree
(exclusively available in the app)
Neither Jared nor I could sample this gem of an energy drink because it was only available for a limited time. From what I can tell from the picture, it seems like the classy bastard child of an Alani-Nu and a 7/11 slushie. While the idea of a smoothie energy drink intrigues me, the fact that they made the most unique and marketable flavor for a limited time and are only available on the app makes me very angry.
Look, I know this sounds like I'm just grilling Starbucks for no reason, but this is reminiscent of when IHOP pulled that infamous "IHOB" stunt, and Burger King and McDonald's both immediately started selling pancakes. Starbucks really should know its vibe stops at around 100 mg of caffeine.
This drink is also objectively not good. I do not care how many beanie-wearing mustachioed hipsters or Ugg-wearing college girls I offend with that.
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