Plant-Infused Drinks Part 1: We're Just Trying Anything Now

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First and foremost let me apologize to all of my avid fans for my little hiatus. And by avid fans I mean the 3 members of my family that still read these and the guys on the caffeine Reddit page (trust me if you think the subreddit r/caffeine will contain honest discussions about energy drinks you are INCREDIBLY wrong. Please DON'T look into it for yourself).

Editor's note: It's true. Have you tried to have a nuanced conversation on Reddit recently? Not happening.

I have been doing some soul searching ever since I found out that these are actually public blogs and not just confidential correspondence between me and Jared a la Tony Soprano and Dr Melfi, so I am understandably emotionally crushed. However, now that I have learned my childhood friend Jimmy Carter has passed away I felt it was only right that I return to my passion that he told me on his deathbed to pursue.

OKAY. So before we start on this next journey, only continue if you are above the age of 21 and in states where recreational plants are a thing . I trust that the Editor in Chief of our humble little media conglomerate will add whatever other legal jargon we need in order to not get sued.

Editor's note: Uhhh, parody law? It's worked to get us this far.

In the past few months I have noticed an odd new trend in all of my social medias. I am constantly, constantly, being fed ads for new age drinks that are meant to be something like a "euphoric alternative to alcohol". You know, I always love when I see attempts to ruin a long standing industry focused primarily on abusing harmful substances. It reminds me of when the tobacco industry just responded to the whole D.A.R.E. campaigns of our youth by making digital cigarettes that have fruity and candy smells.

If you aren't familiar with the drinks that I am referring to I will now take a moment to list a few and to provide verbatim descriptions that are all front and center on their respective websites.

BREZ - "Feel the BRĒZ — Meticulously Designed to Harmonize & Elevate Every Moment without the Next-Day Regret"

Melting Forest - "Unlock nature’s secrets for a balanced, healthier you. Melting Forest combines the power of functional mushrooms with apoptogenic herbs to help you thrive"

Nowadays - "These alcohol-free cocktails add that much-needed kick to lighten up the mood and make the party more lively."

Drippy - "Perfect for unwinding or spicing up your hangouts, Drippy delivers a smooth, enjoyable time."

Magic Cactus - "Sparkling prickly pear cactus water, replenishing electrolytes and functional l-theanine for a clear-headed drinking experience"

Vivanna - This one doesn't even have a slogan or intro page, it just takes you straight to a check-out page and says "Cannabis and Mushroom infused beverage"

This is an odd time we live in. With each of these drinks every time I read the overall description they're all saying they're product is a better alternative to alcohol. Now look, if you're swapping getting loaded at the bar with melting into your couch I can't say it's 100% a "healthier option".

However, if the changing legality of these substances provides the world with a more unique industry of beverages that provide unique "experiences" (from a utilitarian perspective caffeine is no different) then I owe it to the people to be 100% here for it.

The other thing that is unique about these drinks is the INSANE loopholes that all of them find to make them just legal to be sold in almost the whole country. I can only compare it to when I am trying to make a sports bet on my phone and cross a state line and now all of a sudden gambling is the devil but I can buy a shotgun in a vending machine. It will be boring in 10 years time when all of these things are legal and you don't have the added excitement of someone in the DEA monitoring each of your online purchases.

SO, why does this article say Part 1 you might be asking yourself? Well because we are on the forefront of a brand new world with these beverages and I believe that this team should be in the back seat documenting all of these pioneer companies as they journey into the unknown. I will be providing blogs that document the stories, the prices, the overall chemical makeup, and the the taste (that part will be taken on by my new understudy Hank who works at the 7-11 down the street from me) of each of the drinks.

2025 is the year of the PLANT DRINK!

The exciting part here is I am going to leave this last section blank because I want my editor and entrepreneur friend Jared to officially bless this new undertaking in the blog! (I imagine if you're reading this its a good sign that Jared is willing to let me cook).

Editor's note: I started this website to review beverages with my friends, so of course we're gonna do this thing. If you have suggestions for what zany new drinks we should cover in the series, comment down below. Otherwise Tyler is gonna go rogue, and I can't be held responsible for what happens.