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Alright everyone, we got another energy drink brand that is throwing its name in the hat. Today at my local 7-Eleven I saw a new brand that I have not seen before called G.O.A.T. FUEL Sports Energy . While this was some dog shit branding even by my standards, I am a connoisseur of the caffeine world and I found I could not resist.
"The taste was flatter than the earth and their flavors are just trying too hard to fit in with the Gen Z mindset."
So I had this new (to me) and exciting beverage on my way to the gym. There's nothing to write home about here. Honestly if you were to tell me that some guy just swapped out Alani Nu with a new label I would not be surprised. The taste was flatter than the earth and their flavors are just trying too hard to fit in with the Gen Z mindset. I was also unreasonably annoyed that I got the Wild Berry flavor and it was in a green can.... to me it was like when you hear someone pronounce GIF like JIF.
OFFICIAL FINAL SCORE: 5.4
Okay now let me dive into the mental whiplash I experienced as I started to research the brand.
Now it's interesting to note that I DID find out that an athlete is the spokesperson and founder of this drink. Now can you think of any football player who might be considered the GOAT??? That's right it's Jerry Rice. Yeah look I'm not going to say anything bad about the arguably best wide receiver of all time but this would be like if Lebron James came out with a smoothie called the "The Black Mamba Juice". I feel like TB12 could probably find a way to make some money off this.
Side Bar: Are energy drinks becoming a new right of passage for celebrities? It seems as though every famous person has an energy drink brand now and it's just not honest to me. I have a theory that this new form of money laundering that Epstein's client list all decided would be the best way to throw Chris Hansen off the scent)
parody law: Not insinuating Jerry Rice was cheering on Stephen hawking at Epstein's Island
All right now here's where they really lost me. I looked at the can and noticed a mushroom symbol front and center. I did some digging and this isn't just a brand. G.O.A.T. Fuel prides itself on being on the forefront of using cordyceps for their energy drink. When did we collectively decide this was a good thing? This isn't the first time I've heard an energy drink doing it band maybe I'm just uneducated. But, when the front page of G.O.A.T. Fuel brags about how they 'use the same mushrooms that the Goats who travel in the Himalayas eat' I can't help but wonder who the hell that statement is meant to entice.
G.O.A.T. Fuel brags about how they 'use the same mushrooms that the Goats who travel in the Himalayas eat'
While we are on this subject when did we become so mushroom obsessed as a culture? Like a while ago shrooms were on the same level as acid but now it's like we're all treating them as an equivalent to a suburban dad in a cardigan smoking a pipe. Look whatever I won't complain I just missed when we all got the memo.
Whatever I guess mushrooms are the future and we are all just pawns in the celebrity chess match of who can sell the most copy and paste energy drinks.
Editor's Note: I don't expect this blog post to get you to want to try GOAT Fuel, but if you're trying to get weird, support Caffeine Shark using the link below to purchase a pack on Amazon.